


Wedded Bliss

by sirladyknight



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Clones, Drunken Mistakes, F/M, Female Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Jedi family, Making Out, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan Makes Bad Decisions, Platonic Cuddling, Poor Obi-Wan, Possessive Anakin Skywalker, Protective Ahsoka, Protective clones, Weird UST
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-04-21 21:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14293701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirladyknight/pseuds/sirladyknight
Summary: The title is meant to be read in Obi-Wan's beautiful sarcastic voice. Waking-up-in-Vegas style marriage with Fem!Obi-Wan and Hondo Ohnaka. Rating might go up, idk.Read in the tone of The Onion, other titles include: Hondo Frips Up Obi-Wan's Credit, Marriage Immediately A Mistake, and Reversal of Hillbilly Tradition: Shotgun Divorce (Initiated By Anakin Skywalker).





	1. When Obi-Wan makes a mistake it's go big or go home

**Author's Note:**

> (I know I need to update my other fics don't look at me.) It's short and probably full of errors but it is what it is. 
> 
> Me to Me: Why do you genderbend everything?  
> Me also to Me: Because it's What I DO.

“Hondo, I don’t mean to be rude,” Obi-Wan said evenly, “But why in the name of the Force are you in my bed?”

Next to her, lying on his side in all his Weequay pirate glory was the coy form of Hondo Ohnaka. His head was propped up in his hand, elbow buried deep in her spare pillow and he looked perversely at ease for someone she had fought with on several occasions. Not counting the times he had tried to sell or murder her. Jedi do not seek revenge but neither was she forgetful.

“Dear Obi-Wan, do you perhaps not remember last night? The cantinas? The drinking and merry-making?” His approximation of an eyebrow rose as his grin grew wide enough to make her all the more apprehensive, which given the bizarre situation was a feat in itself.

She shook her head once, feeling strangely flushed and stiff, and pulled herself into a sitting position. Her lightsaber was at her side on her nightstand, thank the Force, but she did not feel any immediate danger. “Hondo, I have no quarrel with you at present but I would ask that you explain yourself. _Now._ ”

The morning sun peeked through the window behind him, shadowing his form until he sat back against her bed frame, arms tucked carelessly behind his head. He was completely open but he was as well aware as herself that she wouldn’t attack unless provoked. Even if the man was wearing boots on her clean bed and ruining her white sheets, she noted with a sharp frown.

“Where to begin?” He sighed grandly, pursing his lips in deep thought. “Well, one should always start with the biggest bang, correct? As a Captain and a superb pirate, showmanship is a critical part of making one’s image and lasting impressions are good for business, especially if they are violent ones that-”

Obi-Wan quite firmly resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Really, Hondo, this is _-_ “

“To sum up, we’re married,” he said with a careless shrug, holding up a hand to show a bright and shiny wedding ring on his left hand. He wiggled his fingers for effect.

In the deep quiet of her mind, Obi-Wan considered the situation in series of steps. Firstly, humor; then a glance at her hand revealed a similar ring. Second came disbelief until vague memories of the night before began to surface at her prodding: a cantina, several more cantinas, a truly unfortunate amount of drinking, and… a wedding chapel in Couresant’s lower levels?

This discovery led to her next reaction: horror.

“ _No_ ,” she whispered, clutching the wrist of the ringed hand and holding it away from her as if it were infected with a strain of lethal toxin.

“Yes, I was quite surprised myself. I’m not exactly the marrying kind, you see, and-”

“Shut up.” Her wide blue eyes met his and Hondo snapped his mouth shut at the emotions brewing in them. “I need… to think.” Cradling her head as she contemplated what a joke her life had become, a thunderous headache began to pound at her temples. Ah, the hangover from her most unfortunate misadventure. Perfect, just the cherry on top of this mountain of kark she needed.

Inhaling deeply, she looked to her (she smothered a groan) new husband. “We need to get this annulled. Immediately. I will pay you for your silence if I must.”

He tapped a finger to his chin for a moment. “Hmmmm, no.”

Obi-Wan’s eyelids fluttered as she physically withdrew, incredulous. “I- I’m sorry? What?”

“I think this arrangement can be lucrative, so I’m refusing your request.” Hondo rolled off the bed and sprung to his feet like the ridiculous man he is. With a jaunty wave of his hand, he exited her bedroom, speaking as he walked. “Well, I’m off. We shall meet again… eventually. Farewell, darling wife!”

“Wait just a minute!” She exclaimed. In an unseemly scramble of limbs and blankets, Obi-Wan stumbled after him. Nausea from whatever had been in that Force-forsaken alcohol rose in her throat and she wobbled to the doorway on sheer willpower alone.  “Come back here this instant!”

“Ah, I know, I know, it’s cruel to leave you during our Honeymoon but business waits for no one,” he replied casually, his gait smooth as if he hadn’t drunken a bantha’s weight in Corellian brandy just the night before.

“Hondo, this is not funny! I _cannot_ stay married to a _pirate_!”

“Oh, so it’s the pirate part you have trouble with? Just consider me an entrepreneur of illegal endeavors. You’re a crafty woman, Obi-Wan, I’m sure you can place a positive spin on this!”

Taking a deep breath to stifle a legitimate _scream_ of fury, Obi-Wan faced the Weequay, having moved to the doorway to block his escape. “Hondo Ohnaka, while I do not agree with your occupation, I do think of you as a semi-honorable man. I’m asking you to not allow this to continue. I am Jedi. We do not marry. Please, understand this.”

He considered her in the silence after her speech and sighed. Stepping forward until she was forced back against the door to keep some distance between them, he tilted her chin up. Frozen, she stared back, unable to do more than blink at his sudden boldness.

“My dear, I am not a fool.” For once, he sounded serious and she marveled in mute horror at the buzzing, _pleasant_ energy his touch induced. “I am aware of your obligations, but know this, I’m not a man would walk away from an exquisite stroke of luck.”

In a peculiar act of helplessness, she stood unmoving as he leaned in.   _He’s going to kiss me_ , she thought, confused as to why it was not as revolting a notion as it should be. _Perhaps brain damage from the alcohol?_

Whatever she had thought, she was brought back to the present when he took her hand and placed a kiss there, on her sensitive palm instead of the top.

Hondo pulled away with a roguish grin, taking in her flushed skin and mussed red hair. “Perhaps we shall meet again much sooner, eh, my esteemed wife?”

Then he was out the door and when it closed again, she sunk down to the floor and leaned against it. A hand came to rest on her face and it was burning to the touch. Her nails bit into her palm to stop the absurd tingling she felt there.

“Oh, dear. Anakin is not going to like this.”

 

Later, after she had convinced her former Padawan **not** to hunt down her Weequay husband and skin him alive with a blunt tool because that's murder _Anakin_ , she sorted through her messages on her datapad. In the clutter of reports and scheduled meetings, she spotted a receipt from the night before and narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

Tapping it, she leaned in closer to read the small text.

“ _Fifty-thousand_ credits?! _How?!_ ”


	2. Anakin is the Worst Gossip in the G a l a x y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is the summary, tbh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever just hate yourself? (This is for me and Obi-Wan)
> 
> Chapter alternately titled: Really? In The Same Day? "I-Don’t-Know-If-I’ll-Continue"????

Obi-Wan rubbed her hand against her robe, palm itching. _Goodness gracious, I hope that’s not a sign of infection._ _Hondo is clean, relatively at least, right?_

She grimaced at her interest. Why would she need to know about that? It wasn’t as if their relationship was going to evolve any further. It was ridiculous to even consider it.

Her eyebrow rose thoughtfully. _And yet…_

“Obi-Wan.”

A gurgle choked in her throat as she jumped. “Hmm? Yes? What is it, Anakin?”

“You were staring off into space.” He pointed out of the cruiser’s view port with his mech arm. “Literally.”

She lifted her shoulders, feeling frazzled and defensive. “And? Am I not allowed to enjoy the stars?”

“I didn’t think stars made you hungry,” Anakin added dryly. “You looked like you were ready to take a bite out of this planet’s moon.”

“Oh,” she said. “Ah.”

“Mm-hmm, let’s go, Master, before you start to drool.”

“I would _not_.”

 

Having collected herself and released her, uh, tension into the Force, she entered the mess hall with Anakin by her side. The brothers greeted them as they passed and Obi-Wan tried to sense if any of them had any inkling as to her current marital status. Surely Anakin hadn’t mentioned it, out of revulsion if not for anything else.

“So,” Rex started, dropping his tray next to his General’s before sitting down and scowling at her in disapproval. “I heard you got married.”

Obi-Wan stared across the table at Anakin.

Her former Padawan slowly began to eat, paying lazer-like focus to his canned peas as he spooned them into his mouth.

A tray loudly clattering next to hers made her jump and Commander Cody settled into the seat beside her, stone faced and glaring at the blond Captain. _Second time today someone’s managed to get the drop on me_ , she thought with a thin press of her lips.

“What the General does in her free time is none of our business, Rex.” Trying for stern but sounding even angrier than his _vod_ as he stabbed a fork into his vegetables.

 _I could scream,_ she thought coolly. Anakin sunk further into himself, moving on to play with his rehydrated potatoes.

“It was an accident and I’m trying to get it resolved as soon as possible.” Obi-Wan explained through gritted teeth, somehow managing a calm, reasonable tone. She didn’t know why she was explaining this to them as if they were her- what? Fathers? Brothers? Husbands?

_I am Jedi. Attachment is forbidden, so why is everyone getting attached to ME?_

They snorted in unison, keeping their distaste just short of insubordination. She cast a look around the mess hall and noticed how nonchalantly quiet everyone had become.

She sighed through her nose. “Really, Anakin? The entire army? Did you inform the Jedi Counsel and the Sith while you were at it? Maybe some strangers you passed in the street?”

“I only told Rex,” he protested weakly. “But, of course, he had to tell Cody, and I think Waxer might have overheard the comm and, well…”

Now, the troopers were making no attempt to hide the fact that they were listening in. Obi-Wan continued to gaze deeply into Anakin’s eyes, letting him feel the deadness of her stare.

He lasted all of two seconds. “I’m sorry!” He shouted, throwing his hands up. “I shouldn’t have said anything!”

“No, you shouldn’t have, Anakin. Now, word might reach the Counsel and then-“ She buried her face in her hands. “Windu is going to laugh in my face and then Yoda is going to assign me to some horrendous job in the Archives to atone for my carelessness. I’ll be lucky if I ever get to leave the Inner Core again.”

Unbeknownst to her, the men and Anakin shared an alarmed look over her head before nodding grimly. The Pact was complete, no clone (or Anakin) would breath a word of Obi-Wan’s prohibited situation.

Anakin signaled them with hand gestures: If Spotted, Shoot Pirate On Sight.

They nodded again, much happier this time.

When at last Obi-Wan raised her head, they were back to normal, chatting casually as if they weren’t secreting blood lust into the Force. She pulled an unimpressed face, shaking her head at them all but saying nothing. It would be of no use at this point. _Honestly, I thought that life as a proverbial monk would be much simpler than this. Now all I deal with are interfering men. I might as well be married to the most obnoxious person in the galaxy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm laughing so hard, just imagining the faces of the Counsel when Obi-Wan's like, "hey... guys... i got something to tell you..."
> 
> This has devolved into some hardcore crack. And honestly? It's nice. (WEEQUAY STDs ARE A REAL THING PROBABLY. THEY'RE DIRTY PIRATES THAT GO FROM PORT TO PORT.)
> 
> vod - brother


	3. MMmmm Whatcha Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan begrudgingly thirsting after Hondo is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever written and I intend to exploit that to the fullest.

Obi-Wan’s palm continued to tingle dully as she went about her work and while there was no sign of a rash but she had it checked out by a medic. She purposefully chose a Shiny who didn’t know about the ‘secret’ rule that all medical personnel had to report any and all Obi-Wan related visits to Kix, who then informed to Anakin. Which was a blatant breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, but the brothers deemed safety a higher priority than privacy so that was that. If word spread to Anakin, everyone would know and she was already numb enough inside without having to endure STD lectures and then the subsequent worried hovering of two whole battalions.

Or atleast two, she prayed Anakin had not managed to blab to different Jedi units _yet_.

 _I gave Anakin the sex talk and by the Force I will not be the recipient of one from him._ She set her jaw and entered the bridge of the _Negotiator_ for the newest assignment briefing. It was a relief mission on a world in the Outer Rim and she hoped that afterwards they could scout out where her wayward husband had sequestered himself off to, some crime-ridden moon no doubt.

 

Anakin watched Obi-Wan from the corner of his eye as Rex and Cody conferred with him about their flight path. The mission had gone well and the planet’s natives were rebuilding with the supplies they had received, but all he could think about was how long it would take for them to leave. How long until they could hunt down Hondo to dissolve the marriage. More importantly, how long until he could get his hands around that Weequay sleemo’s neck.

His former Master seemed calm, but she always seemed calm. Even when she was bursting with emotion that he could feel through their still intact Training Bond (which was completely mutual, he was not, as the brothers put it, _clingy_ ), she managed to express the tranquility of an iceberg to anyone watching her. It was a ruse, a good one, but he was used to her wiles. He narrowed his eyes.

Scrolling through map charts, she stroked her chin and hummed. A habit left over from an undercover mission where she had to disguise herself as a man complete with a full beard. They had a hard time getting her to let go of the fake facial hair when the job was over and Cody ultimately had to burn it because she was so good at finding where they had hidden it.

Obi-Wan looked uncomfortably attractive with a beard so there were no real winners in the end. 

“Is there something you need, Anakin?”

He jumped, not realizing just how hard he’d been staring. Rex and Cody shook their heads at his lack of tact and sighed. “Uh, how are you coming along with finding Hondo? He’s in this system, right?”

“Yes, I believe so,” Obi-Wan replied, tapping something into one of the cruiser’s consoles. “These are the coordinates the smuggler we questioned gave me.  They appear to be correct but I’m not sure if we’re walking into a trap. We may be married,” the men glowered silently at the matrimonial mention and she continued on with a beleaguered expression, “but he is still a pirate.”

“A soon to be dead pirate,” Cody muttered under his breath and Rex nodded darkly in agreement. Once the knowledge had become public, the men had gone about their work with a proverbial chip on their shoulders. All of them angered to some degree that a scumbag pirate had tricked their honorable General into a deeply intimate bond without her sober permission. It was an insult and clones did not take kindly to non- _vod'e_ insulting their Jedi.

Obi-Wan was unusually quiet and Anakin sensed he wasn’t going to like what she was going to say next. “I’ve had more time to think about this and I don’t want to go after him.”

A resounding “ _What?_ ” echoed through the room, even some of the brothers who weren’t involved in the conversation pitched in. There was a squeal of metal as Anakin dented the rail he was holding with his mechanical hand, his eyebrows furrowing hard enough to make those nearby take a step back.

“We are needed elsewhere and this can wait. It’s not important. The Separatists are liable to attack at any moment and we cannot afford to be gallivanting around the galaxy on a silly mission wasting Republic resources, especially because of my own stupidity. I will handle this on my own when we are given leave.”

“Sir!” They protested, tore between outrage and respect. Anakin was still reeling in silence, unable to comprehend that she, in so many words, wanted to stay _married_ to _Hondo Ohnaka_.

Obi-Wan crossed her arms over her chest, hands in her sleeves. “My decision is final, gentlemen. We will head to the nearest planetary space port to resupply and then be on our way. If Hondo wants to hide, fine, but if I know him, he’ll eventually come back to gloat.”

“Very well then, Sir,” Cody, shockingly, was the first to agree although his demeanor was colder than Hoth as he faced her. “We’ll reach our destination within 18 hours.”

Obi-Wan let her shoulders drop, which was as relaxed as she could visibly get. “Thank you, Cody.”

Rex stared at him in disbelief but an inconspicuous gesture of Cody’s hand reassured him that he hadn’t given up so easily. They turned to Anakin who had finally roused himself and opened his mouth to respond, passionately if the vein jumping in his neck was anything to go by.

His Captain clapped a hand on his shoulder. “General, may I speak with you? It’s urgent.”

“I- Yes, sure, but-” Anakin searched for Obi-Wan, who had walked away when another trooper prompted her with an incoming report. “Rex, we can’t let this continue. That pirate is going to find some way to use Obi-Wan’s status for any number of nefarious plans. Not to mention what he’ll say about her.” He gritted his teeth at the idea of that sleemo slandering her good name.

“We won’t let that happen,” Cody guaranteed, standing next to Rex. It was amazing how the same face could produce such different looks of wrath. “Trust us. We’re going to find that pirate and end this if we have to search the Outer Rim planet by planet.”

“Let’s just make sure they’re legally separated before we kill him,” Rex added, hand coming down to rest on his blaster. “I don’t want General Kenobi to end up a widow.”

Cody and Anakin grimaced at the notion.

 

Obi-Wan stared into the bright lights of hyperspace with an intensity that made Waxer and Boil, troopers unofficially stationed to watch over her, send each other anxious glances.

“U-um, Sir?” Waxer began.

 “No.” She said, continuing to stare unblinking at a view that made most people turn away in delirium after a few minutes.

“Yes, Sir,” they sighed.


	4. The Shovel Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternately Titled: Ahsoka is too young and beautiful for this.
> 
> Let's face it, Anakin is still the 'Irresponsible One' in this Jedi Family they have going on.

It took two months before Obi-Wan and company got permission to return to Coruscant and once there she was immediately called into a meeting with the Jedi Council. A standard procedure, considering her status as a Council member, but there was a note of sympathy in Depa Billaba’s voice when she spoke to the other Master just beforehand. A big hint as to the topic of said meeting.

The Council had found out, of course, but the reaction she received was not the one she had been dreading. They had plans for her that didn’t involving scrubbing sweat stained mats in the training rooms.

 _Two months._ _Not bad, for Anakin,_ she nodded to herself, impressed, as she walked through the hallways of the Temple back to her and Anakin’s shared rooms. He hadn’t wanted to move out after his Knighting and she didn’t push, they were hardly ever there to use them anyway. Ahsoka stayed with the other Padawans in a separate wing but she slept on the couch so often it might as well have been her quarters as well.

She wondered what they would think of the Council’s new plan for her.

 

“They want you… to pretend to elope with Hondo Ohnaka?” Ahsoka stood at the doorway of their kitchen, one hand against the frame to steady herself and the other holding a wooden spoon. She was wearing an apron and it smelled as if she was cooking a stew.

“They think it will help draw out Aurora Sing or at the very least help me get information on her whereabouts. She’s been mentioned in a plot to ransom off a high profile senator.” Obi-Wan sat on the couch, thankful that Anakin had run off on an ‘errand’. _Does he really think that they’re being covert? I expected more from Padme, to be quite honest._

“But,” she waved the utensil in the air violently, “Why you? Why Hondo? It doesn’t make any sense!”

Obi-Wan shut her eyes. “Yes, about that. I haven’t been entirely forthright with you, Ahsoka, and for that I apologize. I had hoped to resolve this without involving anyone else but you know Anakin…”

Ahsoka nodded understandingly before leaning forward with an intent expression.

“I accidently married Hondo.”

Ahsoka stood in the doorway and stared for a solid five minutes before turning and walking back into the kitchen.

“Ahso-” Pleading, Obi-Wan was cut off as the Togruta marched back into the living area.

“Actually, Master, you know what,” she said, throwing her apron to the floor. “Really? I need you to stop being so attractive because honestly it’s causing a lot of trouble and I am too young to be getting worry lines on my face!”

The redhead sputtered. “I’m not doing it on purpose, Ahsoka! It just happens!”

“Oh, right, and you flirting with anything that moves is definitely not a factor. Sure. Right. Next question. _Why_ was I the last to hear about this, hmmm?” She tapped her foot, her lekku wiggling in agitation.

Obi-Wan resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. _Why is this my life?_ “Because I wanted to get an annulment before anyone found out and never mention it again, but then Anakin found out and it all went to Sith in a handbasket.”

“Master Obi-Wan, _what_ , with all due respect, the kriff were you thinking?”

Any other time, Obi-Wan would have reprimanded her for her bold language, but this time? Yeah, she deserved it.

“Uh, well, hah, I was actually inebriated at the time so…”

Ahsoka threw her hands up and left the room again. “WOW. Okay, after we get this fixed, you are not going clubbing without me or another guard ever again.”

 

Ahsoka, for all her disapproval, backed Obi-Wan up when Anakin returned and she explained the plan to him. No more Raka Hardeen incidents, as she had promised. That and maybe only that was what kept Anakin from storming into the Jedi Council room and giving them a piece of his mind.

“So,” he said, sounding like the young boy she first met on Tatooine all over again. His anger had given way to apprehension about an hour after he had been told. “You have to stay married to him? But, Master, that’s not fair! You don’t want to!”

“I know,” she replied, holding his head close to her chest as she petted his blond hair. They were curled up on the couch, Ahsoka pressed close on his other side and the two females shared a fond look of longsuffering. “It will work out in the end. Do not fret, dear one.”

“Yeah, besides, it might be fun,” Ahsoka pointed out. “We get to mess with Hondo as much as he’ll try to mess with us. You’re going to be sort of a step-son-brother-in-law to him, right? Imagine his face if you call him ‘Dad’ or ‘Brother’.”

Anakin’s face scrunched up in disgust. “Never. But, I will gladly give him the shovel talk.”

“Shovel talk?” Ahsoka raised an eyebrow and looked to Obi-Wan.

The redhead rolled her eyes. “He means to threaten him. The shovel is a metaphor for ‘no one will find your body’.”

“It’s not a metaphor if I really use a shovel,” Anakin added, muffled from where his face was pressed into her robes.

“Of course, my heart,” she indulged and Ahsoka had to disguise a snort as a cough.

“If it comes to that, I’ll help move the body.” The teenager grinned.

Obi-Wan sighed loudly, giving up on all pretense of serenity. “Honestly, what am I going to do with you two?”

They just laughed in reply, cuddling even closer and even Obi-Wan couldn’t bring herself to say anymore.


	5. How The TURN Tables

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternately Named: Obi-Wan’s Stare is More Powerful Than Any Torture Device, The Married Couple Fight Like a Married Couple, OR Obi-Wan Will Literally Use Any Excuse To Make Tea.

Disturbed by a presence in the Force, Obi-Wan woke at once and continued to lie still in her bed. A minuscule creak of the flooring had her bolting up right, lightsaber ignited.

“Ah, my apologies, darling spouse, I did not mean to wake you,” Hondo said grandly, awkwardly crouch half-way into her bed.

Rolling her eyes, she scrubbed at her face with one hand, the other still holding her weapon aloft. “Did you really expect this to work out in your favor, husband of mine?” She questioned thickly with sleep and sarcasm heavy in her voice.

The Weequay captain shrugged. “It did the first time.”

Moments passed where in a fatigued delirium she considered running him through before sighing and switching off her ‘saber. “What can I possibly help you with at this time of night, Hondo? How did you even manage to land on Coruscant? My men have surveillance on every port, not to mention my well-meaning and apparently _necessary_ guard.”

Hondo made a dismissive noise. “Child’s play, for a pirate like myself.”

Head propped by her hand, she hummed. “And your reason for being here?”

Blustering in an insulted manner, he retorted, “Isn’t it obvious? To spend time with my dear wife, of course!”

Obi-Wan continued to stare at him, taking the silence as a break to begin combing through her tangled red locks. He watched her, struggling underneath her drowsy blue gaze and softened expression.

“Alright! Fine, I need your help. There, are you happy now?” He huffed and faced the wall, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ready to curl back into her warm blankets, she glared at the side of his head. “No, but once you leave, I will be.”

“Come now, Kenobi! Aren’t Jedi supposed to be helpful?” He exclaimed, swinging his arms wide in a beseeching gesture.

She shushed him, darting a glance at the wall connecting her room to Anakin’s. It was supposed to be soundproof, but the Force paid no mind to the physical realm. If her luck was good, then he would be ‘out and about’ and Ahsoka had mentioned meeting with some of her friends for a late night get together before they went off on another mission. She had had a serious talk with the guards stationed at the Temple about not letting Obi-Wan leave without informing either her or Anakin.

When no one came bursting into her bedroom, lightsabers' blazing, she spoke again. “Yes, but not to criminals, unless this somehow concerns the welfare of innocents? Or is this a profiteering scheme? And, more importantly, couldn’t it have waited until morning? I don’t sleep very often, you know, and I was having such a pleasant dream.”

He leered, leaning forward. “Oh, perhaps of me?”

“Unless you have an alternative identity as a blond Mandalorian, no,” she quipped before getting out of bed and moving past him. “I’m going to make tea. Please, have a seat and we can discuss this like civilized individuals.”

“That’s what I like about you, most honorable wife, you’re an excellent businessman. Or businesswoman, as it were.” Hondo grinned, following her into her small kitchen and seating himself at her table. “I don’t suppose you have anything a little stronger than tea?”

A dry look was all the answer he needed but she explained, “After our unfortunate adventure in the Lower Levels, my former Padawan and grand Padawan took the liberty of removing any alcoholic beverages from my possession. I have you to thank for them taking my only bottle of Corellian brandy.”

He scoffed loudly. “Honestly, a little accidental matrimony and people go overboard with the dramatics. Pheh!”

“That’s what I told them! It could have happened to anyone.” She gestured helplessly and began filling the teapot with water. “Speaking of which, I must ask for a divorce. It’s… quite urgent. For your own safety, actually.”

Hondo pressed a hand to his heart. “Oh, so you do care!”

“In so much as that I don’t want any of my men or fellow Jedi killing you for my sake.” Obi-Wan slowly came around to sit by him, closer than he expected if his jerky response was anything to go by. She blinked in amusement before a sudden reminder of her responsibilities made her pinch the bridge of her noise. “Oh, wait. I just remembered something.”

He seemed unbalanced by the unexpected intimacy but was quickly warming up to it, as a slow smirk spread across his face. “And that is?”

She met his gaze from behind his goggles, pitying his role in this operation. “I need you to pretend to kidnap me. I say pretend, because I will be going with you willingly.”

Disbelief and increased wariness burst across the Force and Obi-Wan had to control her expression to refrain from laughing.

“You _want_ to come with _me_?” He questioned slowly, one hand drumming a rhythm on her table. “You won’t struggle?”

“I won’t struggle,” she promised. The kettle began to whistle and she stood to pour it into two mugs, dropping a packet of tea blend in each one. “I need everyone to believe that I have been taken and married against my will.”

“Kenobi. You’ve lost me. What purpose could that possibly serve for you? I mean, I’ll do it, but I’m simply confused. I didn’t even have to threaten you.”

Obi-Wan sighed and sipped at her drink. Here she was, having tea with her pirate husband in the middle of the night talking about abduction. _Life is full of unusual events_ , the Jedi mused. “I would like to use your reputation to gather information. It would be of no cost to you and if not, the Council might… look the other way, for _some_ of your endeavors.”

He gaped at her and then barked a laugh. “Now, I remember why I married you!”

She rolled her eyes with a scoff. “That makes one of us. By the way, I will be demanding a full step-by-step explanation as to how we ended up in this situation.”

The Weequay glanced at a device attached to his wrist and stood swiftly. “Yes, yes, yes, but another time. Come, we must go. My ship is waiting and those guards will probably be waking up by now.”

She nearly dropped her mug. “You drugged my guards?”

“Only a little, they’ll be fine,” he dismissed with a wave of his many ringed hand.

Obi-Wan hurried to her room. “Hold on, give me a moment to change!” She called behind her.

“What? You mean to tell me that those aren’t your normal robes?” He sounded outraged.

“No,” she retorted with an air of offense, tossing her shirt aside. “These are my sleeping clothes!”

“I know Jedi are not in the habit of having fun but you need to spice up your wardrobe, it’s depressing! Let me buy you some nice synthsilk garments, very soft. Very... exciting.” A tinkering noise drifted in from the kitchen as if he were snooping through her cupboards.

“Nice try, but I think I’ll stick with my robes, thank you.” She turned at last, ready to go.

Hondo, of course, was not in the kitchen pilfering through her teas but leaning against the doorway, with an appreciative grin. Somehow, she was not surprised.

Using the Force, she tugged his hat down over his eyes. “You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Ha!” He tugged it back up, gallantly bowing as she strode past him. “Jokes on you, Kenobi, I don’t own a couch!”

She adopted a stern expression, “The floor it is, then.”

 

 

After leaving a quick note for Anakin (and Ahsoka, and Cody, and…) and making sure her men were actually _alive_ where they were slumped against the wall _,_ they slipped through the halls and into his waiting ship. At one point they had to hide behind a pillar to avoid Mace Windu, but she was pretty sure he knew they were there and ignored them. It was part of the plan, after all.

“Do I… know this blond Mandalorian?” Hondo inquired casually, examining his nails as his men piloted the ship into the atmosphere. After they realized that she wasn’t going to fight them, they had relaxed and begun joking about her becoming a pirate. She allowed it, for now.

Smugness was unbecoming of a Jedi, but Obi-Wan allowed herself a smirk. “No, I don’t think so.”

After a quiet moment, she added, “The smell of this ship is giving me drunken flashbacks, don’t you ever clean?”

“Uh, no,” he replied, “We just buy a new ship.”

She began to massage her temples. “Of course.”


	6. Hondo “No Sense of Personal Space” Ohnaka and Obi-Wan “Touch-Starved but Refuses to Acknowledge It” Kenobi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternately Titled: Anakin “Attachment Is What I Do” Skywalker Doesn’t Share, Cody Is Going To Get Obi-Wan a Child-Leash And Bell-Collar, and Ahsoka JUST Sat Down Why Does This Always Happen To Her? 
> 
> Also my personal favorite: Rex Had to Be Held Back From Attacking the Clone Guards Who Got Drugged And Let Obi-Wan Get ABDUCTED But Only Because Cody Wanted To Throw the First Punch.

_We are almost to Florrum and then I can sequester myself off to a nice quiet spot for meditation. Just a few more hours,_ Obi-Wan thought fervently, leaning back to dodge a mid-flight cup of grog. _Just a few hours, that’s all. I’ve endured torture longer than that, this is nothing._

“Kenobi!” Hondo shouted, appearing at her side and throwing a tight grip around her shoulders that virtually jolted her out of her skin. “Quit sulking in the corner! Join us, we are betting on who will die from alcohol poisoning first.” He leaned in closer to stage-whisper into her ear. A sensation that made the hair on her arms stand up. “My bet is on Jiigu, he hasn’t moved in five hours!”

They all burst into laughter at that and somehow Obi-Wan was pressed to Hondo’s chest. Her hand gripped his shirt to remain balanced and, to her dismay, she almost sighed at his delightful body heat.

 _Oh, frip,_ she thought as his hand settled artfully on her waist. _I’m not going to make it._

“So,” Ahsoka began, hands on her hips. “Master Obi-Wan is gone. Again. With her forbidden pirate _husband_.”

Captain Rex growled lowly at the reminder, cutting a sharp scowl to the line of guards who should have been watching over their General, not knocked unconscious like some fresh Shinies. To their credit, there was nothing that could be said to them that would make them feel any worse than they already did at their failure. Not that that stopped Cody from absolutely _shredding_ them to pieces with a verbal reprimand. Halfway through his infuriated tirade, one man actually began to tear up.

Ahsoka had to step in at that point.

Cody was now trying to calm down Anakin in the other room, because if there was anyone who as upset as Cody, it was Anakin. When the Jedi Knight had returned to his quarters to find Obi-Wan missing and a datapad filled with blatant abductor _lies_ , (Ahsoka had pointed out that it was obviously Obi-Wan’s wording but he wouldn’t have it) he had then flown into a rage that resulted in a table being cut in half and the shattering of a good portion of dinnerware via Force powers.

“Gentlemen, while I agree that she is one of the greatest negotiators I’ve ever seen, Obi-Wan is a magnet for trouble.” Ahsoka sighed and began to pace the length of the hallway. They had to retreat outside of the Jedi’s shared rooms, for obvious Anakin-related reasons. He would get so weirdly territorial when it came to Obi-Wan and his mutual abode. She was fairly convinced that she only got to stay because he needed her help to watch over his former Master when he wasn’t around to do it himself.

The guards and Rex straightened when Ahsoka’s voice hardened. “As such, we will need to launch a covert support mission as soon as my Master is calm enough not to blow up any circuit boards. I want the ship prepped to leave in five minutes. We’re going to hunt that pirate _down_.”

“Already done, Commander,” Rex replied with a feral grin.

 

“Think about it, Kenobi, my dear wife. You, out in the universe, a pirate the likes of which no one has ever seen! With me, of course, as your trusted captain and business partner with a fifty percent cut of profits.” He gestured widely as if encompassing the whole galaxy. “Together, we would be unstoppable!”

“Hondo, that is…” Obi-Wan stared at him in wonder, arms crossed loosely. “Absolutely the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself.”

“Well, you don’t have to be rude!” Hondo huffed, looking a bit hurt. “You could at least _pretend_ to consider it.”

“Wha- Are you actually insane? How many times must I explain this, I am _Jedi_. We do not marry. We do not participate in hedonistic pursuits and least of all _piracy_.”

“Well, what’s the point of living then?!” Hondo yelled, spinning on this heel to march to a nearby table. He picked up a bottle of _something_ and took a drink.  “You know, I thought you’d be a little more fun, Kenobi. I saw those clips of you doing backflips off high surfaces on the holonet!”

Red tinging her face, she retorted, “Those were on mission! I was in battle, not fooling around!”

They have an audience. Hondo’s men are watching them go back and forth like it’s a space tennis match and have been for the last hour. That was Obi-Wan’s doing, she had been so disturbed by her physical reaction to the Weequay that she initiated a debate to get back on higher ground.

“Oh, I’m sure you needed to do a double-back flip to dismount a tank, absolutely had to be necessary, no?” He scoffed loudly, rolling his eyes. “And- And- And that thing? With the mind powers? You could use it so much more, but you don’t! Why not?!”

“The Force is not a toy to be used flippantly,” she retorted, pursing her lips.

“Tell that to Skywalker, he uses it for everything! Why, just the last time he was here, I saw him use it to lift his cup to his lips!” He shared an incredulous look with his men who nodded in agreement. “Then again, it could have been because he no longer could feel his hands, but I digress.”

“I’m regretting agreeing to this mission.” Obi-Wan said dryly, shooing away the strange little thieving creature Hondo kept as a pet. It didn’t seem to think she’d notice it reaching for her lightsaber. “Also, aren’t you supposed to be spreading the rumor that I’ve been captured?”

With a hearty laugh, Hondo flopped down on his throne. “Please. That is old news already, Kenobi. Word travels fast among criminals. All we have to do is wait.”

 

 

In several places across the galaxy, criminals received notice of an imprisoned Obi-Wan Kenobi’s whereabouts.

 

“Kenobi,” Maul snarled, turning his ship around.

 

“Obi-Wan, you fool,” Ventress sighed, tossing back her drink.

 

“She _married_ that filthy pirate?” Cad Bane squinted at his comm, appalled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is there an actual plot happening here? Well, I'll be darned.


	7. Obi-Wan needs, like, a MOMENT to rest, Please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One time Anakin accidentally said Obi-Wan’s name during sex but he made Padme SWEAR that she’d never tell anyone but he totally doesn’t have attachment issues with his Master. (Padme suffers. A lot.)
> 
> All Obi-Wan wants to do is make out with Hondo in a closet but NOW suddenly everyone wants to follow the Jedi Code of no attachment. SUre. FIne. What e v e r.

 “She’s _my_ wife, I stole her first!” Hondo yelled and sent out another volley of blaster bolts. “Go steal your own Jedi, imitators!”

“We may not have thought this through as thoroughly as we should have,” Obi-Wan mused, not looking at all perturbed by their situation. The situation being that bounty hunters from across the galaxy had high-tailed it to Florrum to collect the mouth-watering prize of a captured Jedi General and now there was a proper turf war going on between the foreign criminal element and the resident pirates.

Deflecting a bolt with her lightsaber, she crouched back down behind a stack of metal crates alongside the Weequay Captain and several of his men. They had built up a barrier of crates to fight the invaders from and to whittle down their enemies’ considerable number slowly but steadily. “I knew that we needed to cast a large net to draw away suspicion from luring in a single person, but this seems like overkill. Surely I’m not that hated as a Jedi?”

“Mmm, well, _hated_ is not the word I would use?” Hondo scratched his head considerately with his blaster, ignoring the shrieks of pain and rumbles of explosions from around them. “Desirable to sell into slavery?” He and the pirate next to him nodded. “Yes, that sounds more accurate.”

“What a relief then,” she intoned, reaching behind him to toss back a stray blaster shot. “I do apologize for this misstep, Hondo. I’ve asked a favor of you and I’ve returned it with strife.”

He laughed enthusiastically, patting her on the shoulder. “Oh, Jedi, you are so bizarrely polite! Not to worry, Kenobi, once we have finished off these encroachers, we will salvage their ships and ammo, along with anything else they have in their cargo. This is actually quite a stroke of luck, for my men and I it is like shooting scalefish in a barrel.”

As if to prove his point, a pirate knelt beside him with a missile launcher, downing a hovering aircraft and sending the bounty hunters on the ground scurrying to get out of its crash zone.

“See? One down, five more to go!” He reloaded his weapon with a cheeky smile.

 

They didn’t get the chance to leave Coruscant in five minutes as Ahsoka had planned. As soon as Anakin had settled down enough to speak clearly, he stormed into the Council’s chambers and demanded permission to chase down Obi-Wan’s abductors as well as any information they had on Hondo’s whereabouts.

That went as well as Ahsoka expected and she could feel her Master’s muffled fury through their bond. She wasn’t allowed in the chamber while it was being discussed but she could still guess what was happening. A chastisement from Yoda was one of the few things that could calm Anakin down, other than Obi-Wan and herself. He wasn’t happy but they were getting to him, probably offering a compromise.

The troopers that stayed with her during the meantime stood stiffly with agitated energy. They wanted to move, to act, to do _something_ but they were too well trained to disobey a command to wait. Cody was already onboard the Negotiator, probably wearing out the deck with his frantic pacing. There was a slight chance he might take off without them but Cody was a stickler for rules like his General so she doubted it.

Her biggest concern at the moment was her Master, and Rex. The blond Captain had put on his helmet but she could feel his tension and see the way he was gripping his blaster a little too tightly.

Ahsoka agreed. This was taking way too long.

After an age and a half, Anakin walked back out of the Council chamber, irritated but not out of control any longer. “Come on, Snips, we’re leaving.”

“Finally!” She hopped up from her meditation position and hurried after him. “Did you find out where they took her?”

The group fell in line and cut swiftly through the Temple back to the cruisers.

“Hondo’s taking her to Florrum,” he replied shortly and she could feel him stewing with anxiety. “It’s too obvious; everyone will look to that planet first when news of her capture is released.”

“Released, sir?” Rex asked, his helmet jerking sharply to face him.

“They planned to let the information slip so Aurra Sing would be tempted to collect the bounty herself.” The Jedi Knight’s jaw set. “Scum from all over the galaxy will be heading there as well.”

The troopers straightened even further if possible and increased their pace to the point of almost overtaking Anakin, who was practically sprinting with his long strides.

 _Oh, Master Obi-Wan_ , Ahsoka sighed, giving up all pretention and breaking into a run. _You have it really rough, don’t you?_

 

“Does this endear myself to you, dear Kenobi? As your husband?” Hondo asked as he leant against the crate Obi-Wan stood by, smirking as she counted out their prisoners. She demanded those left alive receive fair treatment and promised their bounties would be handed over to the Weequay if they were delivered to the Republic. The pirate Captain upon hearing of the credits offered graciously accepted her terms.

“Don’t take me for a fool, Ohnaka. I’ve seen the women around here fawn over you. You’re not lacking in affection, my soon-to-be former husband,” Obi-Wan quipped with a serene smile which dropped from her face at a realization. “You have also yet to tell me why you needed my help.”

“Oh, I did not? I could have sworn I already mentioned it!” He stroked his chin thoughtfully, leaning too close into her personal space. “It is like this, Kenobi, there is a certain Separatist General that has expressed interest in taking over my base of operations here on Florrum.”

“General?” Obi-Wan repeated, voice tightening. “General _Grievous_ , perhaps?”

“The very same!” Hondo exclaimed brightly. “Say, are you Jedi truly mind readers?”

Obi-Wan had the hysterical urge to laugh. “Hondo, please follow me.”

 

Furrowing his brow ridges, he did as instructed and she led them through the base, deep into the complex where there were only empty hallways and dust covered lanterns.  Hondo took in their surroundings warily, “Kenobi, what is-“

She pushed him into a wall, gripping his neck and coat before crushing her mouth to his. He yelped in surprised and she swallowed the sound, delving deeper with a growl.

“Kenobi!” Hondo panted, already breathless. He had grabbed her arms in reflex but she broke out of his hold and pressed his own hands against the wall.

Obi-Wan bit at his lips, the skin tougher than she was accustomed to but pleasant against her own delicate skin. “Shut up for once and put your mouth to better use, pirate.”

He melted under her words and frantic touch, quickly coming to the conclusion he was wasting time arguing when he could be doing much more important things. Like getting his hands under Obi-Wan’s tunic. _Just like our wedding night_ , he thought fondly when Obi-Wan yanked his thigh up around her waist to press even closer. A matching groan escaped them both.

“This feels familiar,” Obi-Wan breathed, managing to sound posh and disdainful even as her teeth nibbled at the softer flesh under his jawline.

“I should hope so,” Hondo retorted with a grin, already calculating where the nearest usable bedroom was located. “I would hate to think my own wife forgot our first kiss.”

The red-haired Jedi stopped and he regretted opening his mouth. Her blue eyes flashed. “Did we…?”

“Sadly, no, we did not consecrate out union. We made it to my ship’s bed but we were both unconscious by the time we reached the Upper Levels. My men placed us both in your room as a prank,” he explained, sounding proud of his own crew and frustrated at the lack of skin contact.

She pressed a kiss to his throat with a chuckle. “Patience is a virtue, love.”

His knees nearly buckled at the roll of her tongue around the endearment but he managed to snark back, “Might I remind you that _you are_ the one who came onto _me_.”

“Oh, believe me,” Obi-Wan’s smile was predatory. Her sharp teeth grazed his neck and her body was pressed flush against his. “I intend to finish what I started.”

Hondo gulped.

 

 

Chancellor Palpatine considered the holo message in front of him.

Kenobi, captured and on Florrum of all places. The planet that was to be occupied by Grievous by Dooku’s order and now the place where Anakin and the cyborg would finally meet.

 _Perhaps I should call off the plan until I can be sure that Anakin is ready? He will need the power of the dark side to defeat Grievous._ He paused. _But perhaps Kenobi will fall at the hands of her foe and Anakin will let his rage destroy them all?_

Kenobi was a hindrance to his plans but she could also be a key component. Palpatine knew how deeply the boy cared for his Master, an attachment most unfitting of a proper Jedi but not dark in nature. But it could be used. He would have to consider his next move carefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan finally made out with Hondo! *cries* I'm so happy for her, she deserves it. (Especially since there is a kriffstorm of epic proportion headed her way but that's later, now the kissing.)


	8. Jiigu Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Why are all the females in your stories, sorta like, dommes or whatever??  
> Me to Me: Why NOT?  
> Me: Oh dang you right
> 
> Obi-Wan and Hondo’s relationship is more or less a game of ‘Who can seduce the other more?’ And to be honest, it works. 
> 
> Also, I played around with the timeline of Grevious’ attack on Florrum. In this ‘verse, he attacked and decimated the base but didn’t take over the planet. Now, Hondo’s rebuilt his empire to a degree and Dooku has sent Grevious to level it again and to possibly to take over the planet as well.

Obi-Wan half-dragged, half-carried Hondo to the room he directed them towards, unable to stop her roving hands in the meantime. Breathless and disheveled, they both slammed into the door and nearly toppled backwards as it slid open. Only through some quick footwork and a smidge of Force use did they manage to fall back into the luxurious mass of synthsilk fabric and pillows that was Hondo’s bed.

Obi-Wan couldn’t help the huff of laughter that escaped her as they were encompassed by richly colored fabric. “Good heavens, just how many pillows does one man need?”

He spoke against her throat and she could feel his grin. “What can I say? I am not known for moderation.”

“It’s been a while since I shared a bed with someone-” A soft bite to where her shoulder met her neck had her stuttering off, blue eyes fluttering with pleasure. Shivering, she tugged him to her lips again and sighed at the firm press of his mouth against hers. “Don’t be jealous, it was just Anakin. He used to have trouble sleeping. Nightmares. It took a while to train him not to sneak into my bed every night.”

Hondo chuckled, flipping them so she was the one on top. Tossing back her loosening hair, Obi-Wan watched him hungrily as he crossed his arms behind his head with a smirk. He remarked, “I am sure you did not help matters. I have seen the way you coddle that boy. How old was he, hmm? Nine? Ten rotations old?”

Pink tinging her cheeks as she cradled her face, Obi-Wan muttered, “Seventeen.”

“I’m- I’m sorry?” Hondo abruptly sat up, nearly unseating the redhead. “Did you say _seventeen_?!”

“Yes. He was very persistent,” she defended, biting her kiss-bruised lips. Her hands gripped his coat lapels and she rocked her hips slowly, pushing him back down into the sheets. “Are you sure you want to talk about this when we could be doing _other_ things, husband mine?”

Hondo’s expression twisted, torn between pleasure and outrage before he set his jaw. “Oh, no, you are not distracting me from this, Kenobi. You-”A low groan escaped him as she set to work removing his clothing, dancing her fingers over his bare chest as her mouth followed, doing unlawful things that made his breath catch. Her eyes sparked with mischief. “…V-very well, but we will be discussing this later.”

Her triumphant little smile made his heart clench and warm irrationally, then that heat traveled lower and he remembered the task at hand. He smirked alluringly. “Now, where were we? Oh, yes, right about-“

“Captain!” A pirate burst in through the door and Obi-Wan was on the other side of the room within a fraction of a second.

Hondo sighed deeply, from his soul, and closed his eyes. “ _What do you want, Jiigu?_ ”

The Weequay pirate took a wary step back but continued speaking, “Uh, sorry, sir. Th-there seems to be a Republic battle cruiser approaching. What should we do?”

“That will be Anakin,” Obi-Wan stated, back to her prim, proper self. He could hear the underlying mortification in her tone. “I will explain the situation, just give me a moment.”

“Right then, sir, uh,” Jiigu faltered and dashed away after a lull of tense silence.

Obi-Wan faced away from him, hands in her sleeves. She could already feel the tension returning to her shoulders. With a deep breath, she turned, blushing and frowning. “I thought you said Jiigu was dead!”

“He was supposed to be!” Hondo shouted back, gesturing before pausing. “I don’t suppose there is any way I could convince you to finish this before we are bombarded with your hovering entourage?”

She twisted her lips into pout. “I am sorry to say no.” The coy glance she cast in his direction made him sit up again. “Later, perhaps? Right now I need to, hmm, recollect myself in order to face my no doubt incensed ‘rescuers’.”

Hondo stood and meandered to her side, waiting wordlessly. She eyed him for a moment then leaned against him, making soft noises in her throat when his arms tightened around her waist. “If you could go greet them, I would appreciate it.”

He nodded, using his free hand to fix his clothing. “Of course, take your time doing whatever it is you Jedi do. Perhaps this unwanted visit won’t be so bad, eh, Kenobi?”

 

“I can explain!” Hondo defended, the blue glow of the lightsaber gleaming dangerously bright on his goggles.

“You can explain through a straw,” Anakin growled, advancing slowly, “because I’m going to break your kriffing jaw.”

“Come now, my friend! Is this the way to speak to your new brother-in-law?” The Weequay pirate joked and promptly had to dodge a swing that would have taken off his head. “Oi, oi, watch it!”

“Bring Obi-wan out here now.” the Jedi Knight fumed, his face set like stone. “Or I’m going to-”

Whatever threat he had planned was cut off by the accented voice of the very Jedi he was seeking.

“Anakin, it’s quite alright,” Obi-Wan spoke from behind him.

“Master!”  Anakin whirled around, nearly taking Hondo’s arm off with his still lit ‘saber. “You’re alright!”

“Yes, I’m fine, my former Padawan. Your concern is appreciated but not necessary. Kindly lower your weapon before my temporary spouse faints.” Hondo wisely chose to beat a hasty retreat to her side.

Anakin sputtered for a solid minute before thundering, “So you DID come with him willingly!”

His face was _the_ Picture of outrage and if she wasn’t dreading the upcoming explanation, she’d relish his confoundedness. The fact that he seemed to have brought both his and her GAR units with him to ‘rescue’ her also did no favors for her growing headache. She dreaded the report to the Council she was going to have to make. Mace was probably going to rupture his spleen laughing at her. Obi-Wan narrowed her eyes at the image. He’d get his.

“With good reason, if you’d allow me to clarify. Come along please, bring the men as well. I do believe there is enough room for them to rest,” Obi-wan replied, walking past her veritably foaming at the mouth former student to enter her husband’s newly constructed base.

The new base was much larger than the last one, but not as well decorated yet. Dooku was quite thorough in his destruction of the previous lair and all of its amenities. Hondo was quick to bemoan that when given the chance. She would retort back just as swiftly that she had warned him and he had only himself to blame. Play with Sith and you get burned.

 

Anakin deactivated his weapon with reluctance and stalked after her, giving the ‘Troopers an abrupt order that they hurried to follow. “Eyes on Obi-wan, stay close but hold your fire.”

Obi-wan was making small talk with Hondo as they walked. To Anakin’s growing horror she did not seem perturbed at all by her intimate and ‘forbidden’ connection to a boastful pirate scumbag. His jaw clenched and he felt his men tense behind him as they entered into a massive domed building. The lighting was dim but just bright enough that their eyes were able to adjust, even without the use of helmets.

 

Hondo’s men (and women, Obi-wan noted with a nod of fairmindedness) were smart enough to know they were outnumbered and outgunned, lingering along the periphery in various states of supposed relaxation. That didn’t stop their jeering comments or snide looks but it was the most civility she could hope from them, they were pirates after all, not soldiers.

Taking her spot at the front of the dining hall, in front of the throne-like table that Hondo had set up for himself and consequently her, she faced the crowd. Obi-wan spotted several familiar figures right away after studiously ignoring Anakin’s stormy expression. Their faces were hidden beneath helmets but she could read their body language like an open book and their emotions were crystal clear in the Force.

“Friends,” Hondo announced, tilting his head and bowing in gracious welcome, “Thank you for coming here today to see the result of my and the beautiful General Kenobi’s glorious union.”

Obi-Wan could have rolled her eyes if she didn’t need to keep up the act of willing spouse. _If it is an act_ , she thought with some apprehension.

The way Cody clenched his hands around his weapon, hard enough that the metal actually creaked, told her that her Commander very Not Happy with his General.

 _Understandable_ , Obi-Wan conceded. She had disappeared during their Cruiser docking on Coruscant for repairs and leave, under the protection of the Jedi Temple and a squad of guards. _To be fair, though, I did leave a datapad with an explanation on it._

“Who would have thought that after several near-murder experiences that we would find ourselves in this situation, hmm? Please, please, make yourselves at home; after all we are practically FAMILY.”

Obi-Wan could sense Captain Rex was _this_ close to blasting his way through the Weequay proudly receiving them into his base and hauling her off to the ship.  Honestly, he was becoming more like Anakin with each passing day and Obi-wan didn’t know if she should be fond or afraid. Thankfully, Ahsoka was by his side, one hand gesturing for Rex to stay back as he leaned forward, eager to attack.

Although her demeanor was logical, the Jedi Master sensed in the Force that the Togruta was just as upset as her companions. _Oh, dear, that is one conversation I am not looking forward to._

“And as family, I expect us to get along famously, with minimal bloodshed and maximum profit.”

Obi-wan was picking out her next target to examine, savoring the growing fury from Anakin’s direction, when Hondo sidled up to her just slightly behind her shoulder as if taking cover while he continued to speak.

 _A smart move_ , she thought until he threw an arm around said shoulders.

Near instantaneously there was a barrage of weaponry aimed at his head, and strategically lower she noticed with a raised eyebrow. Anakin, always one to go over the top, had fallen into his fighting stance yet again, lightsaber ignited and one hand rose, ready to Force push Obi-Wan out of the way.

“Gentlemen,” she called loudly, her tone alone ceasing all movement. “That’s enough, thank you.”

While they hesitantly lowered their weapons, she cleared her throat and removed Hondo’s arm from her body. There was reluctance in her act that she dare not dwell on. “I will take it from here.”

“The floor is yours, darling.” Hondo grinned roguishly, visibly torn between alarm and enjoyment. Anakin choked at the overly familiar pet name. Hondo’s expression settled on delight. _Oh, if he knew what we had been up to_ , Obi-Wan couldn’t help but think with a muffled snort.

“This union is temporary and my unannounced departure with Hondo came as a surprise,” Obi-Wan pointed out and a murmur of relief swept through the multitude, “but it was committed willingly.”

“WHAT,” voices that sounded like Anakin and Boil shouted, penetrating even amidst the sudden uproar of denial and confusion. She zeroed in on the Ghost Company soldier and spotted him begrudgingly passing credits to Waxer. The recipient of the credits did not look too thrilled with having been correct.

“I did leave behind a datapad explaining this, Anakin,” she turned to her former Padawan who had the decency to look abashed, if only momentarily.

“How was I supposed to know that it was you who wrote it? It could have been fabricated!”

“Anakin, I left a detail that only you and I know. Your seventeenth name day? The incident with the holovid?”

Anakin flushed red. “Right. That.”

There were several intrigued looks exchanged and Obi-Wan realized Anakin was going to have to dodge several curious questions in regards to that debacle. _Serves him right_ , she thought, _that was my favorite holovid and now I can’t even look someone in the eye when they mention it._

Returning back to the topic at hand, Obi-Wan raised her voice over the din. “I have news concerning an incoming Separatist threat. It turns out that we will need both of our GAR units, Anakin, there is a certain General incoming…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kinda long so I was going to cut it in half to preserve my Aesthetic but I was like whatever. 
> 
> The clones and Anakin were ready to nuke the planet but Ahsoka was like, 'guys... Obi-Wan' s down there too???'


End file.
